“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ― Stephen Chbosky

Have you ever wondered if you’ve learned from the mistakes of your past? As I shared in Questions, Part 1, asking hard questions and sitting down to answer them thoughtfully has been one of the most powerful practices in my healing and growth over the past few years.

After the fog of my divorce had cleared and I began to dream again about a future person, I knew I had to ask myself some important questions. I had to learn more about myself so I wouldn’t do the same thing and expect different results. I started making a list of questions over weeks and months.

Many were questions I hadn’t asked about any past relationship, which now seems crazy. But we live and learn (hopefully) and I think I am starting to ask the right questions now. These are the questions I’ve come up with (so far) about what I want, how I desire to show up in a relationship, and who he is:

• What do I want out of a relationship?
• What kind of man do I think I deserve?
• What are my must have’s?
• How does he make me feel when I’m with him?
• How does he make me feel when we’re apart?
• How does he feel about himself?
• How does he see me?
• What will be my best contribution to the relationship?
• What will be the thing I will have to work on and grow in through this relationship?
• What are my absolute deal breakers?
• How would I describe my ideal relationship?
• Who does he respect as authority figures in his life?
• Does he have friends who hold him accountable?
• Does he like the things about me that I like about myself?
• Is he generous with his time and money and self?
• Does he value my friends?
• How does he treat his mom?
• What social graces does he have and recognize as being important?
• Does he enjoy learning?
• What are his personal development practices?
• Can he joyfully sacrifice for me and others?
• Is he teachable?
• Can he be vulnerable?
• What makes him feel needed?
• Can he admit when he’s wrong?
• Is he reliable?
• Does he encourage me and support me in my dreams?
• What’s his emotional IQ and does he cry?
• Does he make me feel safe?
• Is he affectionate?
• Does he love people well?

Obviously these are specific to my preferences and very much based on experiences from my past. Sometimes, we have to ask ourselves the questions to understand what we need, what we want, and most importantly, who we are.

After all, I believe the most important dialogue I will ever have is the one that starts in my own heart.

[Photo: My friend Caroline took this pic in Baja last Labor Day weekend. She found the rock you see on the ledge and placed it in the shot purposefully. The rock was shaped like a heart.]