“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.” – Brené Brown

I know I’ve written about the crazy important role community has played in my life, especially after my separation and divorce. But I learned something new this weekend at a conference I attended: community isn’t just important to help us get through the trials in our lives. We need community just as much when it’s time to celebrate.

According to one of the conference speakers, clinical psychiatrist, Dr. Curt Thompson, “Joy is most experienced in the context of relationship with someone else.”

And of course, this seems logical. When you get a promotion at work, you want to call and tell someone. When you find out you’re pregnant, you want to let your family and friends know. When I went to New Zealand and Australia for a month in 2017, there was a week where I was driving up the west coast of Aotearoa alone. I would come around a bend and see something crazy beautiful and immediately had the instinct to cry out, “Oh my gosh – this is AH-MAY-ZING!” But there was no one in the passenger seat and I remember feeing more alone in that moment than I had the one before.

Dr. Thompson went on to say this joy is most experienced in close relationships where your deepest shame can be revealed. So, being with people with whom you’ve shared all your junk – the ones who you trust to love you through the ick – actually enhances your experience of elation. These shame bearers are the ones who help us break the piñata of endorphins. It feels both counterintuitive (at least to me) and totally rational at the same time.

So if you’ve been holding onto to something because you’re afraid of what people will think, you’re not only letting the darkness rule in your life, you’re also not experiencing the full measure of joy. Find one person you can trust and tell them your truth. Give them the chance to take off the blindfold of your shame. Replace the lie telling you “the thing” is what defines you with the truth of who you really are – the brave one. The fighter. The one who chooses joy.

And if no one comes to mind, message or call me. I love breaking piñatas too.

[Photo by santiago filio on Unsplash]