“I can’t say when you’ll get love or how you’ll find it or even promise you that you will. I can only say you are worthy of it and that it’s never too much to ask for it and that it’s not crazy to fear you’ll never have it again, even though your fears are probably wrong. Love is our essential nutrient. Without it, life has little meaning. It’s the best thing we have to give and the most valuable thing we receive. It’s worthy of all the hullabaloo.” ― Cheryl Strayed
If you haven’t yet watched the Netflix shows Love on the Spectrum Down Under (the original Australian version) or Love on the Spectrum (the U.S. version), stop reading this and immediately press play. I promise you’ll be delighted in the most heartwarming way!
The shows feature people with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) who are interested in dating and finding a partner. A common misconception about people “on the spectrum” is that they prefer to be alone, are introverted, and choose isolation.
These shows bust those myths and reinforce the worthiness of every human for connection, belonging, and love.
Because people with ASD tend to be direct and take things literally, when it came to dating, there wasn’t much left to interpretation. And I found this liberating!
From what I can tell from friends’ stories, online dating still seems to give off mild to severe shit-show vibes. I guess not much has changed since I tried my hand at it six years ago!
The truth is I felt inspired by watching these sweet souls, many who had their first-ever dates on the show. So here are my Top Ten Lessons in Love (from the spectrum):
- Recognize beauty comes in all forms. Participants weren’t concerned with the narrow definition of attractiveness perpetuated by media and advertising that includes thin, toned, tanned, fashionable, and able bodied people.
- Do some research. Both Australia and U.S. shows featured a “dating coach” who specialized in people with ASD, giving them tips and tricks for how to show up on their date. One of them was to research questions they could ask the other person. If you’re not a skilled conversationalist, this seems like a brilliant hack!
- Prioritize kindness. Though dating was a new experience for most participants, everyone used their “please” and “thank you’s”, doors were held open, chairs were pulled out, and more. See, chivalry isn’t dead!
- Check in with your date to see if you’re talking too much. Some of the most highly functioning participants had the awareness to ask if their date thought they were talking incessantly. Imagine how many diatribes could be avoided if this tactic were employed more often!
- Call out awkward silences. If you fall upon a moment when neither of you comes with a question or topic to discuss, it’s ok to simply say, “Well, this is kind of awkward.” Remember, vulnerability leads to more vulnerability.
- Change the topic of conversation if needed. If you’re bored or uncomfortable with a topic you’re actively discussing, politely ask to change it and move on. This works best if you have a new topic in mind!
- Check with your date to see how it’s going. I’m sure this was prompted by the producers, but not one date passed without someone asking well before the date was over, “So how do you think this is going?” Imagine how much time we could save if we did this (and then were honest about the answer)!
- If you feel anxious, give yourself permission to leave. Many of the show participants suffer from anxiety, and a few dates ended abruptly because the anxiety was too much to bear. There’s something beautiful about listening to our bodies in the moment and recognizing when a situation doesn’t feel good. It’s ok and healthy to give yourself an out if needed.
- Practice empathy. Even for the daters who were left in the middle of their date, they all acted with graciousness and understanding. Many of them had experienced severe anxiety, so could relate. If only we could all be so empathetic!
- Ask the person for a second date on the spot. If they were interested, many of the dates ended in an immediate request for another one. No waiting three days, no wondering how it went. Boom – both people had clear direction right away.
The biggest take away, however, wasn’t any of these tips. It was the courage displayed by everyone willing to start down the winding path of finding love, often a scary adventure. I know firsthand that love – even in its best form – will include hurt, and that the loss of love will result in grief.
Still, it’s something I want and willingly pursue. I know it’s waiting for me. In the meantime, I am grateful for the learnings and comic relief from these brave adventurers.
P.S. Dear Sweet Baby Jesus, for my sake and for the sake of all my single girlfriends, please let all single men read this post. Amen.
P.P.S. Love on the Spectrum doesn’t only feature cisgender, heterosexual individuals, so while my perspective is from that POV, the show reflects a full spectrum (pun intended) of people looking for love.
[Photo by Pixabay]