“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.” – Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart

On a road trip up the central coast of California this summer, I listened to Brené Brown’s latest book, Atlas of the Heart. It’s her attempt to map out 87 emotions and experiences of the human condition with an emphasis on the importance of language in helping us name, claim, heal, and celebrate with each other. In her chapter titled Places We Go When the Heart is Open, she defines love. Something about her description and definitions made me realize a truth about my own heart: for me, love is a continuum versus a destination to arrive at once I’ve known someone and have positive experiences with them over time.

I am sometimes surprised by how quickly I can say, “Love you!” to a newer friend and mean it with 100% sincerity. On the other hand, it takes me months to say, “I love you” to a romantic partner though I might feel love for them (by Brené’s definition) well before my words can bravely express it.

In both cases, I think it’s because I start loving someone the moment I decide I want them to be in my life for more than a passing moment or occasional meet up. I feel love for them once I decide they can be trusted, deserve my attention and time, and cultivate an insatiable curiosity about them. It’s accompanied by a desire for deeper, meaningful connection where we share our most vulnerable parts: our broken pieces, triggers, traumas, hurts, joys, and triumphs. With romantic partners, the love has an added component of physical intimacy and all the chemicals that elicits, along with a deeper sense of risk because I’m giving access to the most inner sanctums of my heart.

I also had an epiphany about the way I used to think about love – that it had to involve sacrifice at the expense of self. I now see that as a lie. In reality, when we sacrifice ourselves, we are attaching, maybe even manipulating, expecting something in return, versus honoring the very well-spring of our love – our own hearts.

More from Brené’s Atlas of the Heart:

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each one of them – we can love others only as much as we love ourselves.

It feels radically rebellious to live like this after so much programming of the opposite. But the older I get, the more I recognize the critical importance of self-love. If I want to practice conscious love, not attachment, I can only give to another what I have given myself. And the first thing I am giving myself is permission to do it all differently.

[Photo: Cheers to redefining love and how we go about cultivating it in our lives!]