“My friend…care for your psyche…know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves.” – Socrates
In the Christian tradition I grew up in, knowing myself was not an emphasis. We were to know God and know the Bible. We were to love God and love our neighbor, but rarely did I hear about loving ourselves. I wasn’t taught knowing yourself is the starting point to loving yourself, and how the latter is a prerequisite to both understanding the universal Christ in us and loving others well.
It wasn’t until my late 20’s and early 30’s when I started to realize the iceberg of myself.
If you haven’t heard of the iceberg analogy, it’s the idea that people are like icebergs: what we present to the world and often know about ourselves is what’s above the water. But there’s a massive part of us beneath the water that’s hidden and undiscovered. The reasons we are the way we are, the subconscious belief systems, wounds, and shame we carry with us unknowingly affect our day to day secretly yet pervasively.
With the rise of self-help books and the internet age, there are a lot of resources that can help us slowly dig into the bottom of the iceberg. Tools like the Enneagram and practices like meditation help us excavate our true natures from underneath the rubble of our life experiences.
There are also third-party modalities: body work/breath work, coaching, energy healing, positive psychology, and more. I don’t think there’s a silver bullet, and different methods serve different people best.
That said, I whole-heartedly believe that to uncover our inner child wounding and heal without becoming invested in those wounds, we need a reflective mirror to guide us through a process of our own redemption.
My healing journey has included many of these DIY and third-party mediums. I regularly engage in a form of energy healing called network chiropractic, have a daily meditation and gratitude practice, and employ various self-awareness tools I’ve learned along the way.
But, there are seasons when I reach the end of my introspection road, when I need a third-party perspective. At these times, I turn to therapy.
I first went to therapy in my early 30’s and was amazed at how much I was taught in a short period. From learning how to recognize when I’m feeling something (I was starting at the very beginning, friends) to increasing my emotional vocabulary, it felt wonderful and life-giving. I felt validated, challenged, respected, and best of all, hopeful that there was a path to healing and growth. I have been lucky to work with licensed, trained, and skilled practitioners who are experts in methods such as CBT, EMDR, and EFT – proven processes to deal with trauma, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.
This past year, a lot happened in all of our lives, collectively and individually. I handled the stress as well I knew how and am grateful for all the challenges and blessings that came from my circumstances. I also know my body is still holding onto the feelings I am either unable to call forth or simply don’t know how to process.
This year, I feel change coming. I can’t tell you what or how, or even if it’s good or bad, though I trust it’s ultimately for my good. So I’m going back to therapy, and can’t wait to explore new territory in my psyche and heart. It’s part of my Wonder year – a way to enlist help being curious about my inner workings. Ultimately, I hope it leads to loving others better.
As I uncover more of my below-the-surface iceberg, I’ll be sure to report back. Until then, if you are thinking about going to therapy, here is my advice alongside thoughts from my good friend, Ami Allen, a licensed Marriage Family Therapist.
Advice about Therapy
- Put some thought into why you want to start therapy.
- Getting clear on some of the things you want to work through is important and will help you and your therapist create goals. This might include past trauma, current circumstances that you feel stuck in, or on-going patterns you recognize and want to stop.
- Ami: Even if you don’t have a full picture but are stuck, you can get help clarifying that in therapy. Often, my clients come in wanting to work on one thing, but [the root issue] ends up just being the symptom and the work is deeper or slightly different than they thought, but still accomplishes the goal of alleviates the symptom over time.
- Think about the type of therapist you would prefer.
- You might have preferences such as someone with specific training, a faith or spiritual background, married or single, a certain gender, a person of color, or more. Write down a list as a starting place.
- Ask for a referral.
- Ask around to get names and references. If you don’t know anyone else who has been to therapy, let me know – I have a few therapist friends who I would recommend and/or who can refer you out to others.
- Interview several therapists.
- You should feel comfortable with your therapist’s personality so it’s ok to talk to several before making the investment. Most therapists offer a 15 minute consult so you get to know each other.
- Ami : the most important thing, regardless of therapeutic model, is the client/therapist relationship that includes rapport, safety, and trust. You should feel a good connection with whoever you choose.
- Ask your potential therapist questions.
- When you interview therapists, ask them about their training, their areas of expertise, and how they generally work with clients. They should also be asking you about your goals for and past experience with therapy.
- Switch therapists if you need to.
- Even if you start seeing a particular therapist, you have the freedom to find someone new if you decide it’s not a good fit.
- Ami: It could take three to five therapists to find a good fit – don’t give up. (Also see Ami’s advice under #4.)
- Be honest with yourself and your therapist once you start.
- If you don’t share your full experience or honest feelings, therapy isn’t going to work for you.
- Ami: This is a brand new relationship with a new person and like any relationship, even good ones, it takes time to get to know each other. It will evolve and you may discover things to work on you weren’t expecting. Sharing honestly with your therapist early in the relationship is helpful.
I have a caveat to all of this: Just like with any profession, there are good therapists and bad therapists. A therapist should not encourage you to stay stuck in your wounding or enable victim behavior. The goal is to move through your pain, not rehash it over and over.
Conversely, you are ultimately responsible for your healing. You have to work the process they guide you through, and spend time in between sessions putting what you learn into practice.
I sincerely believe everyone can benefit from therapy. If you decide to give it a try, let me know!
Ami Allen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) with a private practice where she collaborates with clients in strength-based, holistic and systemic models such as Structural Family Therapy, Emotionally Focused Couples & Family Therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization, and Reprocessing. You can learn more and reach Ami at amiallen.com.
[Photo: Taking in the view from the top of Mammoth mountain after scattering my dad’s ashes on his birthday – August 14, 2020]