“A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb.”- Bernajoy Vaal
I’ve had a few conversations just this past week about the concept of “moving past the ick.” I first heard it on a podcast where the host’s posit was that a lot of couples break up because they’re not willing to work through hard things. He called it “moving past the ick.” I not only think he’s right, I believe the same is true for platonic friendships.
The reality is that in every deep, human dynamic, there will be conflict, a shitty first draft of the story we make up about the other person (or ourselves), and the choice to move on or stick around.
In the face of continued passive aggressiveness, direct aggression, or emotional avoidance, with no awareness or willingness to change, we have to believe what the other person is telling us: this is who they are and who they will be. Assuming something about their behavior isn’t meeting our needs, we can choose ourselves over accommodation and decide to leave.
On the other hand, there are those who are wiling to apologize, look at their communication or behavior, and learn tools to process their unsaid or unmet needs in a way that’s helpful and healing. We also should believe what these folks are communicating: that they care enough about the relationship to dig in, get to the root of their triggers, and put in the work to change.
If life were this black and white all the time, the choice would be apparent and easy. Check the box. Go or stay. But life is rarely so dualistic.
What I’m learning as I get older is a third way: one of acceptance and grace.
In situations where we care about the other person and still want them in our lives though there is behavior we don’t prefer, we can set clear and healthy boundaries, and then show up with kindness and gentleness. We let go of expectations and words like “better” or “if only.” We simply accept what is with an open heart and open hand, while fully loving ourselves.
I am in no way saying you should accept and have grace in a situation where there is physical or emotional abuse. And I’m not saying this is the best way all the time. I’m simply offering it as an alternative way of being.
It’s a tricky balance, this third way. I don’t always do it well, but it’s something I’m practicing. It’s the way I want to show up in the world when and if I can. And it’s my version of moving past the ick because I believe that people are usually worth it.
[Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash]