Everything we lose is Buddhist truth – one more thing that you don’t have to grab with your death grip, and protect from theft or decay. It’s gone. We can mourn it, but we don’t have to get down in the grave with it. –Anne Lamont 

Have you ever found yourself liking feeling bad? Isn’t it strange that sometimes we want to wallow in our sadness? And that self-pity feels so satisfying at times? When the story we are telling ourselves doesn’t match 99% of our experience, why do we hold on to the 1% like our life depends on it?

I remember staring into the mirror one night at a low point in my former marriage. I was repeating a negative talk track to myself about being unlovable, not sexy, and not fun. These thoughts had somehow become like companions – they knew me, sickly comforted me (or so I thought), and stayed by my side. But as I looked into my own eyes, I didn’t like who was looking back. Who was this negative Nelly? How had I gotten to a place where I not only thought those things, but kept them on repeat? I didn’t believe those things were true before so why was I allowing myself to hold on to them so tightly then?

Turns out that our bodies are addicted to the chemicals that get released when we have negative thoughts. We then experience emotions both psychologically and physically (hence why we call them “feelings”). When we focus on what’s wrong, what’s not working, and how terrible things are, we actually get a hit of stress hormones that we end up craving like a drug. 

That night while staring at my reflection, I made a decision: I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. I knew I had to stop the negativity long before I understood the science of why. I started a gratitude practice very soon after that and it literally changed the wiring of my brain.

Sometimes, when life isn’t going the way we planned, we have to slap ourselves into submitting to the truth.

We have to set ourselves free from the captivity of the “shitty first draft” of our stories weighing us down.

We must meditate on what is true, noble, good, righteous, worthy. It’s wisdom for our neural pathways and removes the shackles of our chemistry. 

But rooting out the strangling weeds of lies from our past is not a one and done thing. Like a gardener, we must constantly tend to the garden of our souls, pulling out those dangerous shoots that pop up as insecurity and fear and anxiety. At the same time, we must carefully plant and water seeds of truth that bring oxygen and life. We have to allow our garden to thrive and be the beautiful thing it was always meant to be.

I am now committed to the process, unwilling to stay in suffering a moment longer than it allows me to grow and heal.

I lived too long the first way. Now the thing I’m addicted to is living in freedom. 

[Photo: Ok, let’s be honest, I’m also addicted to travel and adventure. View of Casco Viejo from the Cinta Costera in Panama City.]