Find someone you can heal with. –Yung Pueblo

When you meet someone you think you can grow old with, the universe has to align on multiple levels for it to work out. You both have to be in a place in your lives where you want a relationship. That person has to recognize the same growing-old-together potential in you that you see in them. You both should be doing the hard work of self reflection and transformation to prepare yourself for said relationship. And then there are more practical considerations: careers, family dynamics, and more. And to add to all of this, it’s true what they say: timing is everything.

In today’s wild world of dating, finding Mr. or Mrs. Right can feel daunting. We can be tempted to settle for something less than what we really want or even what we think we deserve. We can question whether our needs are too much or we are too extra. But I have come to believe these are just false narratives. These are lies that we tell ourselves to make whatever current situation we’re in feel better.

I know because that’s what I did in my marriage. I never felt fully supported, fully invested in, fully loved. And that is on me because I allowed that into my life and left it there. I convinced myself that being with this person was better than being alone. I was living with a love scarcity mindset.

Something about the memory reminds me of this poem by Nayyirah Waheed:

Someone can be madly in love with you. And still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved. And still not join you on the bridge. And whatever the reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There’s more extraordinary love. More love than you have ever seen. Out here in this wide. And wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready. //

I believe this now. That there is a love that will shatter the smallness of our imaginations. Of the existence of an unhindered cosmic force waiting to wrap itself around our hearts in a way we didn’t know was possible.

So how do we find it? We must do the work to know ourselves in order to deeply love ourselves. (I heard Bréne Brown once say that she loves herself so deeply she’s dangerous.)

We must purposefully commit to not settling for people who can’t or won’t meet us on the bridge. (We must live with a love abundance mindset.)

And we must believe that we are totally and 100% worthy of being and being with bridge people. (Because we are.)

[Photo: Mammoth Lakes foot bridge that’s part of the Mammoth Half Marathon course (which I help organize, not run)]