“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”  – Esther Perel

In my recent Freedom post, I wrote about a seemingly dualistic need I have for both freedom and safety. This past week, I listened to an interview with psychotherapist, Esther Perel, on Krista Tippet’s On Being and realized that this need is not unique – it’s something innate in all of us.

When it comes to relationships, it’s a tricky dance – to have the freedom to be yourself and show up authentically while meeting the needs of this other person and balancing their wants and desires with your own. 

We’ve all witnessed unhealthy relationships where people are on one end of the spectrum or the other. Either we are constantly giving, giving, giving, with little thought of ourselves and constantly serving the need of the other (hyper togetherness) or we do whatever we want no matter how it makes the other person feel ( hyper separateness).  Of course, these extreme relationships don’t tend to last long or they are fraught with resentment and hurt.

While there won’t be perfect balance 100% of the time because we’re constantly changing, what’s harder to recognize in our own relationships is when the imbalance is less extreme and exists at a less constant pace. Looking back at my marriage, I see how I wasn’t able to strike the balance. I swayed from just a little left or right of center for long periods of time either out of self preservation or desperation to connect.

When things crashed down, I had to take stock of my role in it all. The complicity toward my my own state of being had created a life destined for striving to be loved and seen. I knew I would never choose that type of relationship again, so I consciously named those bad habits and promised myself I wouldn’t repeat them in the future. 

Here are a few of the learnings:

• If I don’t give voice to my needs, I can’t get what I want (autonomy)
• If I don’t listen to the criticism, I don’t know what areas need work (surrender)
• Peace born out of avoiding conflict is false peace (autonomy)
• If I don’t share my hurt feelings, though it’s vulnerable, there can be no end to what’s hurting me (surrender)

I can now see the path to being connected while independent. I recognize some broken things inside me that need examination and repair. And I am ready to put my dancing shoes on. Hopefully there’s some 90’s hip hop playing in the background.

More on Esther Perel: I am a huge Esther Perel fan. She is well known for her work as a sex therapist, but her work transcends the bedroom to include insights into the modern age of relationships, eroticism as a function of “aliveness” instead of just sexuality, and more. She’s the author of Mating in Captivity and State of Affairs, and produces/hosts a podcast called Where Should We Begin? where she invites us into therapy sessions with couples she’s never met. Her SXSW talk from 2018 is one of my favorites.

[Photo: Sweaty from dancing at a friends’ wedding – I think it’s obvious how much joy dancing (and these friends) bring me!]