To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment. – Eckhart Tolle

For me, Independence Week will forever mark a milestone of pain and brokenness but also redemption and healing. The third anniversary of my divorce brings with it both grief and celebration. It bears witness that this heart is still very much healing while counting the victory of how far it’s come.

Most of the time, I feel like a phoenix rising out of the ashes, luminous in my new life. Full of joy and hope and the thing my soul longs for most – freedom. Freedom from strife and pain and obligation. Freedom to say yes and say no. Freedom to be who I am, and love who I love, and go where the winds blow and the tides ebb. 

But the other thing my soul longs for is safety. To keep covered in a safe corner so it never gets hurt again. Every mild offense brings with it a rush of emotions attempting to protect my fragility.

My heart is like a ship during a calming summer storm, simultaneously looking for the safety of a harbor and tacking to sail further into the deep blue. It’s still learning to know the difference between a friendly breeze and an angry gust.

What I’ve learned to do is follow the pain. Through the labyrinth of memories, I caress it and sing it a lullaby until it rests peacefully. I’m not sure that it’s something that will ever go away completely. And I don’t have to know for certain. Because each time it rests, it moves me closer to liberation. Each slumber stretches the captivity of my heart a little further away from its defensive stance. 

I can feel the widening expanse of my being. The abundance I am allowed to step into each day. Celebrating three years, and four years, and seven years, and 44 years. Markers of separation and togetherness.

All beautiful evidence that I am fully alive. And one step closer to the ultimate freedom I so desperately long for.

Read Freedom (Part 1) here.

[Photo by Bobby Burch on Unsplash]