The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.” –Jeremiah 17:9-10

You’ve heard it said a million times, given advice to friends about it, and know from your own past that it’s true: we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to matters of the heart.

We become blinded by love, or the prospect of it. We put up with things we would never let a friend put up with. We stay in relationships that aren’t meeting our needs because we aren’t sure we can do better. We settle for a phony version of the actual thing we know we deserve. We want more, don’t get it, feel disappointed. Rinse. Repeat.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. This is how I know our hearts are insane.

Looking back at my most significant relationship, I was guilty of this. I waited for him to give me something he didn’t have to give. I settled for scraps at the table when I deserved a feast.

The evidence was presented to me for years, but that darn heart of mine was confused. I thought relationships were supposed to be hard. And it wasn’t because I wasn’t a romantic – it was because I had seen too much and heard too much. It wasn’t until my separation that I realized how truly crazy I had been. I was sitting at a coffee shop across from one of my best friends, and as tears ran down her face, she told me that marriage was work – and sometimes hard work to be certain – but also shared that it wasn’t supposed to feel like strife.

In that moment, it was like I was being resuscitated from a state of shock. I was suddenly aware of all the dreams I had put to death. The joy that I had let escape by suppressing my own needs for validation and affection. I was aware of how insane it had been to expect things to get better or change in a way that would make me feel truly seen, understood, and deeply loved.

When my marriage ended, it was not easy. I questioned my self worth. I didn’t trust my ability to make wise choices. I felt like a failure on many levels. Only months and years later have I come to see how that part of my world dying created fertile ground for a new and beautiful life.

Today, I have a different perspective on my insane heart. I celebrate that it was open in the first place. I have proven (mainly to myself) that I can risk something of great value to pursue something I want. I’ve removed the shackles of shame and regret and set my heart free to heal and grow. And I now know that wearing my heart on the world’s sleeve doesn’t require a stint at the love asylum.

[Photo: in San Andres de los Andes, Patagonia feeling very happy and very sane.]