“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” – Brené Brown

One of the most important things I learned in my last relationship was the importance of being heard. Really heard. Like master empathetic-listening-skills-status. When I would share hurts or frustrations, I was met with anger. The conversation would inevitably become about the way I communicated and we rarely circled back to the heart of the matter. What happened as a result was that I silenced my voice. I buried my own emotions, needs, and wants for the sake of peace. What I realize now is that it was fake peace, but it seemed easier than launching another conversation that went nowhere and left me feeling worse off. 

Through reading and listening, learning and healing, I’ve realized it doesn’t have to be that way. I can find someone who is willing to give my voice space to live and breathe. For my voice to exist in a way that makes me feel known and understood. Loved and protected. But the key isn’t just finding someone else.

The most important thing has been finding my own voice first. 

For me, this requires recognizing when I get emotionally charged so I can put words to my feelings. It means identifying when there is an unmet need or unsaid expectation that is causing stress or unhappiness. It requires vulnerability which in turn requires courage, according to my friend, Brené Brown (ok, I am just assuming we would be friends if we were to ever meet).

Of course, there’s no guarantee that the want will be met or the issue resolved. But releasing the words and knowing you did your part is like a muscle that gets stronger every time you use it. And in the context of a safe and supporting friendship or romantic relationship, exercising your voice leads to trust building and a deeper connection.

It has changed the way I exist and operate in the world. I even had a friend tell me recently, “You always ask for what you want,” which was one of the nicest compliments I have ever received. I feel braver, more empowered, and more like the master of my own ship. It turns out, I look good in a captain’s hat 😉

[Photo: Cartagena, Colombia – I didn’t have any pictures of myself in the iconic streets of the Old City but didn’t want to bother my friends to stop and take one…until I found my voice and asked for what I wanted.]