“Love is saying yes to what is.” –Father Richard Rohr

Lately when talking to friends about dating – especially those in their 20’s and 30’s – there seems to be a common theme: dating for the purpose of finding a meaningful relationship in the modern age is a bit of a disaster. I think dating was hard enough before smartphones, but with the app culture, it seems virtually (pun intended) impossible.

It’s now ok to hide behind a tiny screen and not really let people in. You don’t have to invest time or money before you decide whether to swipe your way to a better option. And don’t get me started on ghosting. Seriously. #rude

To add to this, there’s women’s lib, which I am all for related to voting rights and breaking the glass ceiling. But when it comes to dating, I guess I’m still old fashioned. And I don’t think I’m alone. All my single girlfriends want to be pursued and all my guy friends seem to enjoy the chase. I think most men want to be a provider, and most women want to be protected. And though in today’s world these are wants rather than needs, these dominant, societally-imposed gender roles still exist and affect the way we choose partners.

Virtual dating, gender role blurring, and more adds to a strange phenomena in faith-based dating circles: an unspoken pressure to know right away whether this stranger is the person you’re supposed to share the rest of your life with.

So I have a proposal for all single people everywhere. It’s a contract of sorts that I think people should all agree to.

Let’s start by calling dating what it really is – an admission of physical or emotional attraction that leads to a curiosity about the person. For the first few dates, there should be no strings attached and very few expectations besides treating each other with mutual respect.

Next, if both parties decide there is mutual interest, there can be more dates. Eventually, there should be a discussion about dating other people and whether that feels right or not. 

If you get to a place where you are dating exclusively, this is where vulnerability can start to happen. Hopefully, you both are being honest about your feelings, wants, and needs, thereby potentially putting your hearts on the line.

Let’s pause and acknowledge how scary this stage is – you are giving someone the chance to reject, damage, spike, wound, injure, or break you. On the other hand, you are allowing them the opportunity to uplift, mend, build up, caress, and love you back. So, when we have moments of insecurity or weakness – and we undoubtedly will have these – let’s have enough grace and empathy towards each other to breathe deeply and let the other person sigh. Ask questions, clarify intentions, believe the best.

In a perfect world, dating should be easier. It should be freeing. And I believe it can be, when you see that you are both riding the same wave, honestly communicating, and holding your heart open to whatever comes next. Now that’s a contract I would put my Jane Hancock on.

[Photo credit: Elizabeth Tsung on Unsplash]