Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. – Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird
When Sleeping at Last’s Ryan O’Neal released his Enneagram song about Type 7’s, I was ecstatic (duh). I listened with joy as he and Chris Heurts explained the good, bad, and ugly about me and my fellow 7’s. Last year I read Heurt’s book Sacred Enneagram, but he said something in this episode that struck me anew. He gave Type 7’s a mantra to live by: I have enough.
See, we Type 7’s are gluttons by nature. Not necessarily of food, but of anything that brings us pleasure, and certainly this is true of me. Bring on the good times and good vibes. But lately, with the processing of the pain after divorce, I have also been processing feelings of not enough-ness (I’m pretty sure that’s good English). I wouldn’t have been able to label it as such before hearing the podcast, but I realize now that’s what it is.
The feelings were confusing because I have what I would consider a healthy ego and feel very content with my life. I know (more) about who I am and what I bring to the table in any relationship – work, friendship, or romantic. I know the things that I enjoy, and live a life where I get to do most of them on a regular basis. I never want for material things and have more than enough to constitute a comfortable lifestyle.
What I am still working out though is a deeply buried suspicion that I am not enough. Maybe you can relate.
Turns out I feel like I’m not doing enough to help the world. Or to love my neighbor. Or maybe to love myself. I have a lot of head knowledge about who I am and who I am becoming, but it’s taking time for my heart to catch up. Life has taught me that my goodness has an expiration date. But my faith reminds me that God’s love has no limits. No mountain too high, valley too deep, or river too wide where his love does not reach.
So my goal over the next few months is to rest in who I am and who I am created to be. To celebrate my contribution to the planet. To continue practicing presence in the big and small moments. To recognize my own worth even when the world sends me a different message. And for now, that feels like more than enough.
[Photo by my very talented friend, Paula Watts Photography – she thought I looked fierce in this pose. I decided it’s both my RBF and me giving a middle finger to the lies that tell me I’m not enough.]
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Note:
Sleeping at Last has released a song about Enneagram Types 1 through 7; 8 and 9 are next! Here’s a link if you want to check out the song/explanation for your type!