Make sure that the walls you build to protect yourself do not become a prison. – Yung Pueblo

I discovered a new song I’m obsessed with: Hello My Old Heart by the Oh Hellos. It’s told from the first person perspective of someone having a conversation with their own heart – a heart that has been under lock and key for a long time in an attempt to avoid pain.

So much of the song speaks to me, but I’ve been thinking about this verse in particular:
Hello my old heart
It’s been so long
Since I’ve given you away
And every day I add another stone
To the walls I built around you
To keep you safe

Usually when I think of walls and bricks, I think of the walls that keep people out. The kind I know I have built around my own heart both out of wisdom and a strong self preservation instinct. The kind described in that verse.

I’ve come a long way in my healing process post-divorce, but I also recognize it’s still a work in progress. The tricky part is that many of the wounds that require attention are under layers of scar tissue, buried and hidden. In a way, they are the very mortar holding together the “bricks in the wall I had built to keep me safe.”

Instead of being able to sift through them one by one, an event or sometimes just a simple question will suddenly expose a wound, often catching me off guard.

There was the time a friend came over for empanadas (I was testing a new recipe), and instead of sitting and expecting me to cook the meal alone (which I was fully prepared to do), he jumped in and started chopping things. It was a type of teamwork I hadn’t experienced much in my previous relationship, and I was immediately reminded of the deep sense of loneliness I had felt.

Or the time I was talking about personality dynamics with another friend. I had commented that I erred on the side of even keel, and he told me, in a complimentary way, that I was hyper. It gave me pause and caused an awkward few seconds of silence because it had triggered a memory of being told I was boring.

The revelations about the wounds’ existences were hard but also gave way to another kind of brick laying I’ve been thinking about lately: the kind where you are rebuilding the essence of who you are. Your self worth. Your dignity. Maybe even your humanity.

Tears dusted those empanadas, but I was shown an example of what a true partnership could look like. Being told I bring life into a group was a little like getting resuscitated by an AED, restoring a normal rhythm to my heart.

When we open ourselves up to others in a way where they get to massage the scar tissue, it hurts at first and can be scary. Without a doubt, letting anyone in, even in a friendship, exposes you to the risk of more wounds. More mortar being layed down. The wall being built a little higher.

But a funny thing happens when we open ourselves up to the right people: brick laying types. The mortar of our pain dissolves when brought into the fresh air of new perspective, and the bricks of the walls around our hearts start to fall one by one. Then those same bricks – the ones from the wall protecting your heart – can be gently laid on the scaffolding of your truest, best self. The same bricks that were used to keep people out now being used to build yourself up. Full of truth and hope. Setting your heart free.

We all know using recycled materials in manufacturing is better for the environment. Turns out it’s better for our souls too.

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Full lyrics: “Hello My Old Heart”

Hello my old heart
How have you been
Are you still there inside my chest?
I’ve been so worried
You’ve been so still
Barely beating at all

Oh, don’t leave me here alone
Don’t tell me that we’ve grown
For having loved a little while
Oh, I don’t want to be alone
I want to find a home
And I want to share it with you

Hello my old heart
It’s been so long
Since I’ve given you away
And every day I add another stone
To the walls I built around you
To keep you safe

Oh, don’t leave me here alone
Don’t tell me that we’ve grown
For having loved a little while
Oh, I don’t want to be alone
I want to find a home
And I want to share it with you

Hello my old heart
How have you been?
How is it, being locked away?
Well don’t you worry
In there, you’re safe
And it’s true, you’ll never beat
But you’ll never break

Nothing lasts forever
Some things aren’t meant to be
But you’ll never find the answers
Until you set your old heart free

Until you set your old heart free

[Photo by Yiqun Tang on Unsplash]