You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person. – You and Me
Before my real first date after the divorce, I spent a few nights fantasizing about what a relationship with this person could look like. I didn’t have any real sense of who he was, or whether we would be compatible even as friends. I wasn’t hoping he was my next great love – there truly was no expectation tied to it. Which for the most part is a good thing, but also an interesting dilemma because I forced myself to answer the question: what would I want from him if he was great? Am I ready for the great love of my life? Do I believe that I deserve it? Or am I really just craving companionship – both emotionally and physically?
Along this journey, I have met a variety of guys: a few men and a lot of boys. It strikes me that many share a commonality – they are operating in this realm of romantic love out of a place of fear. So many people around me are, well, to quote Johnny Lee, “looking for love in all the wrong places.” Some claim they are looking for a real relationship but end up just making out with a bunch of people instead of developing any foundation of friendship. Others are honest about their lack of readiness for anything of substance, and yet are constantly dating. It’s a fascinating commentary on the human condition. We were made for connection and spend so much time and energy trying to find it, but we have no idea what we’re doing. And when we do find something great, the risk of opening your heart up and exposing yourself to potential heartbreak feels so scary, we often run away.
Seriously. We. Are. Clueless.
The running away was my modus operandi for a good part of my 20’s. I didn’t think I wasn’t ready for marriage, so I closed myself off to the potential of anything real. It was all a self defense mechanism. I would meet someone great, jump into a relationship quickly, start to like them, and then run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Friends who recognized this pattern dubbed me with the nickname “track star.” Those poor guys must have been so confused. One minute I’m all in, and the next minute, all they saw was dust.
Fast forward 20 years, and those track star tendencies are still very present, but I am fighting hard to resist them. And I’ve been lucky enough to test this lately. The risking without running. The opening up without shutting out. And what I’ve learned is this: every man I have met has offered a beautiful gift to me – an opportunity to learn more about what I like, and don’t like, how to ask for it, how to be direct and honest, and not apologize for having needs and wants in the first place. And it’s a great way to weed out the boys from the men. They will either meet the need or tell you they can’t, thereby giving me the choice to stay and not have my needs fulfilled (which I don’t recommend) or walk away (not run).
In this season, I am trading in my track spikes for slow, steady walking shoes and learning to exercise the muscle of my own voice. And so far, I like how it feels.
[Photo by Kolleen Gladden on Unsplash]