Your relationships are your story. Write often and edit well. –Esther Perel

Let’s be honest – dating in 2018 is a bit of a disaster. Online apps. Mobile text culture. The paralysis of choice from endless swipe possibilities. Studies show that despite all the technology that allows us to meet people outside of our immediate social circles, we are less connected, have fewer meaningful relationships, and are even having less sex than the generations before us. And while there are a number of factors causing these declines, there is a direct correlation between the rise of smartphones and today’s dating complexities.

We can hide behind screens instead of meeting people in real life, have long conversations via text messaging instead of engaging in stimulating face-to-face dialogue, and participate in virtual sex through pornography. And yet, our basest human desire – to be known and loved – remains the same. It’s engrained in our DNA and this is creating a big problem: our needs are the same, but what we are getting and how we are going about it are drastically different.

There are new rules but I’m not sure what they all are or who is making them up. To be fair, there are some that I support wholeheartedly. The coffee or cocktail date so you don’t have to commit to an extended period of time with a stranger you might have zero chemistry with (I was recently very thankful for this!). The meeting at a designated place versus having a guy pick you up because we are all afraid of weirdos and serial killers. Ok, seems extreme, but I’m all for safety first. The texting to confirm a place and time instead of a phone call. I actually think this is a great use of text messaging.

But what about everything else? The ghosting. The one-strike-and-you’re-out. The willingness to settle, or worse, pass up someone great for the prospect of someone new at the next swipe. What do those of us with old sensibilities who are stuck in this strange era of iRelationships do? And how do we stay true to ourselves in the process? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and realized I needed to create a sort of manifesto to use as a true north. Something written to guide my weary heart when stuck or confused.

So, since I previously shared my pep talk for online daters in my post Avatar, I decided to share my personal playbook for dating. This is for the stage where you’ve weeded out the people who aren’t good matches and are going on actual dates. Obviously, these are derived from my worldview, set of values, and a specific lens from which I approach life, but I hope they inspire you to create your own set of dating rules.

1. Communicate often and openly. I know this is easier said than done, but checking in about where you are at, how you are feeling, and what you want next can save time, confusion, and frustration. At the end of a recent first date, my date told me he wanted to see me again but also didn’t want to waste anyone’s time so asked me to be honest if I wasn’t interested. I was so impressed with his direct communication and openness that I agreed to go out with him on a second date.

2. Extend empathy. Dating can be a very scary endeavor when you start to like someone because the opening of your heart inherently comes with the risk of heartbreak. And this fear can lead to moments of insecurity and weakness no matter how confident you might be. So when a (hopefully rare) instance rears its ugly head, let’s have enough grace to breathe deeply and let the other person sigh. Ask clarifying questions, see you own humanity in their eyes, and give them a chance to apologize and explain.

3. Gauge how they make you feel. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. It’s easy for a guy (or girl) to make you feel good when you’re together in person, but how he or she makes you feel when you’re apart can be even more telling. Are they attempting to stay connected? Do they check in with you when they say they will? You should feel just as secure and good when you’re not with them as you do in their presence.

4. Don’t jump in. I heard a podcast recently that advised people to spend 100 hours with someone they are dating before committing to them. That includes face-to-face time, talking on the phone, and even texting. I think this is a great rule because it takes time to get to know people with all their quirks and foibles. It takes proximity to see how people behave in stress and how they react when things don’t go their way. It’s also important to see what your dynamic is like in the mundane day-to-day (i.e. grocery shopping and cooking at home) versus the excitement of initial dates and creative outings.

5. Continue to do the work. The journey of self discovery can and should continue for the rest of your life. No other type of relationship tends to expose our deepest wounds and flaws like a romantic relationship, so it’s important to keep examining our motivations and behaviors when we are involved with someone. Make sure you have a sounding system, whether it be a professional counselor or close friends who you can be honest with. Don’t go at it alone.

Regardless of the negative stats, dating can be an amazing opportunity to learn and grow. And all this personal development will serve you (and me) in every area of life, not just in a quest to find a partner.

So go forth and date. And let me know what things you include in your dating manifesto.

[Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash]