Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. –Oscar Wilde

The last time I was in the dating world was almost 10 years ago – before my marriage and divorce – and online dating was still a bit taboo. Sure, I had friends meeting their spouses on eHarmony and match.com, but many had fake “how we met” stories because they still felt a little embarrassed about it all. Today, 20+% of people in serious relationships met their significant other online. It really is a whole new world.

Last summer, after disinterest in the whole phenomena, I decided to give it a whirl. I created a profile on Bumble – the app where the girl has to text the guy first once matched. It was fun, disturbing, discouraging, and flattering all at the same time. My initial experience only lasted 30 hours because it turned out to be ComicCon weekend, and well…I don’t really think I need to explain myself any further here.

Besides the lack of interesting-to-me prospects, I realized that I didn’t like who I was while using the app. I was judgmental, shallow, and unkind. I adopted the widely accepted behavior of ghosting people – that is, suddenly disengaging with someone after having messaged back and forth. There were several guys I matched with who I never messaged at all. And deep down, I treated every guy as if he was an avatar and not a real person behind a profile. A person with actual feelings and inherent value.

A few weeks ago, I decided to give Bumble a second chance, but with zero expectations and a vow to be different. I wanted to be intentional, clear, and direct, recognizing every photo as a precious soul. Although I met a few guys that I am getting to know better and felt like I was true to my kindness intention, this second attempt was also short lived, lasting only four days. I decided it was a little too intense and time consuming for where I’m at in my current journey, but an unexpected thing happened in the process: I gained a new level of curiosity about human nature and relationships.

I feel like dating in today’s world is a giant psychological experiment and we are all just part of some invisible study. Someone out there is taking note of how we treat one another. How we relate. How we communicate. What we communicate. I wish I could go back to UCLA and re-do my senior social psychology research project. Certainly this would be the subject!

Here’s what I find most fascinating – this is a group of people self selecting to put themselves “out there” to total strangers but in many cases, revealing hardly anything at all in order for people to get to know them. Or, maybe worse, putting out a false version of themselves. Sorry Dan, there is no way you’re “39.” And really…everyone likes the outdoors, adventure, travel and has a j-o-b? Where have you been all my life? (Apparently on the interwebs.)

I always asked people that I matched with the same two questions after some initial messaging back and forth: “Why are you on this app?” and “What is something you want me to know about you?” Many people had an answer to the first question: a long term relationship, just here for fun, just looking to meet new people. But most guys had a hard time answering the second, which I assumed meant one of two things: they don’t know themselves well enough to articulate it or they don’t think who they really are is worth sharing. Both cases break my heart.

I mean, here are these people, created in the image of God, born with infinite, intrinsic value, and yet are still so lost. Of course, I was/am one of those people too, and sometimes still struggle with insecurities, but we don’t have to live in that state forever. We can do the work to know ourselves, develop a healthy ego, and understand exactly what it is we want out of life. We can work towards becoming the person we want to attract. Because at the end of the day, there is a belief I have held as truth for a long time:

We are all just walking around looking for love.

Of course, this takes different shapes and forms based on our pasts and what we want our futures to look like. Love can mean different things to different people at different times. And every person we encounter gives us a chance to learn more about the world and more about ourselves. But eventually, we all want to be chosen as I shared about in my last post.

So here’s my pep talk to all you fellow online (and maybe even offline) daters:

• Be yourself: you have value and worth beyond measure. Put the real you out there because you can’t be loved if you’re not really known. I promise that there is something lovable about you. Just ask your mom.
• Make the first move: you don’t have to share your deepest, darkest secrets, but share something real, authentic, and true about your life within the first few messages. This will open up an entirely different type of dialogue that can help you discover more interesting and helpful things about the other person.
• Assume the best: as my pastor friend, Chalese, reminded us in a recent sermon, “We are all just doing the best we can with what we have.” Apart from the obvious creepers and fakers which you can quickly weed out, most of the people online are just like you – regular folks trying to make a connection. Give people the benefit of the doubt, extend a little grace, and you might just be pleasantly surprised.
• Treat people like they’re humans: rally against the social norms and apply the platinum rule. Act like this is someone you met in person and have a common friend with. Be honest, authentic, and direct. Be the change you want you want to see online. (Yes, I just quoted Ghandi related to dating apps. You’re welcome.)
• Include recent photos: unless you’re catfishing people, the goal is to meet people in real life, right? The other person is going to find out what you really look like anyway so might as well find someone attracted to how you look now. Own it. Work it. Strut your stuff.

As for me, I’m offline for now. And while I have no doubt my current and future dating experiments will provide some good writing material, I’m not planning to be the next Carrie Bradshaw. Then again, I’m pretty happy being me.

[Photo: an impromptu Bumble profile photo shoot on a Baja trip weekend with friends. All you need is some good lighting, a friend, and an iPhone 8 Plus.]

p.s. If you would like help with your profile and/or photos, I would LOVE to help – call, text, tweet, or DM me!